Basking in the Glory, not the chaos.

Between January and June, I spent a lot of time reflecting on suffering and what it means. I was going through so much pain that was unexplainable. During this time, I was trying to write my personal development plan for school. One of the things I got from those six months was that God created me with a lot of feeling. This is one of the ways He will use to speak to me, and how He will use me to care for those around me. I put as one of my goals that I wanted to learn more about my emotions. The goal is to be able to name an emotion when it rises, and discern what to do with it. Is it for someone else? Is it an insecurity? Is the emotion necessary for me to dwell on? What is the root of this feeling? Have I felt this before and what was the context?

One of the downsides to this is feelings of insecurities rise, and can be easily dwelt on. This assignment this week was to address what identity gap is present in my life, and to replace that lie with a truth about my identity in Christ. I am a people pleaser. I have a hard time feeling worthy. I feel the need to bend over backwards to make sure those around me are happy. For a long time, I was willing to change things about myself in order to impress or to meet the expectations others have of me. I have come a long way since I was there, but learning how to know if helping those around me is out of love and desire to serve, or out of feeling like I need to impress and find my worth in what I'm doing. The get extremely hard on myself if I feel I have let someone down, even on such a little thing. That is my identity gap.

This is the verse that always lifts my spirits when I hear it:

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

What I've processed a lot this week is gonna seem a little off compared to what my "identity gap" is. But for me, it was a really good thing to process.

I drove to Minnesota with one of my best friends this past weekend. Along the way, I had a lot of time to think about the assignment and my insecurities. Along the way, I saw a large range of beautiful landscapes. Mountains, tree's changing colors, dry flat lands, and a great view at the stars. I found myself saying multiple times how I just died and went to heaven.

While I was driving, I was thinking about how perfect everything seemed in this creation I was in. If God created the world perfect in the beginning, and then sin entered because of human error. So how much of what we see, and the life we live is how God originally intended it to be? We already know we are sinners. So what am I dwelling on? My sin? My mistakes? When I dwell on this, an emotion that arise can be chaotic. I'll start to dwell on the chaos rather than the real emotion that I needs to be addressed and move on from.

 If I'm living with the mindset that parts of heaven is already here on earth, then I want to bask in the glory of God as much as I can. I want to live as the heir to the throne that I know I am, rather than in chaos and confusion.

"I am a citizen of heaven, seated in heaven Right now." Phil. 3:20; Eph. 2:6

In the last 10 months, I've processed a lot about my emotions. I am thankful for the ways I have grown in the way God created me as a feeler. I want to commit my weaknesses and insecurities to God, rather than dwell in the chaos.