Basking in the Glory, not the chaos.

Between January and June, I spent a lot of time reflecting on suffering and what it means. I was going through so much pain that was unexplainable. During this time, I was trying to write my personal development plan for school. One of the things I got from those six months was that God created me with a lot of feeling. This is one of the ways He will use to speak to me, and how He will use me to care for those around me. I put as one of my goals that I wanted to learn more about my emotions. The goal is to be able to name an emotion when it rises, and discern what to do with it. Is it for someone else? Is it an insecurity? Is the emotion necessary for me to dwell on? What is the root of this feeling? Have I felt this before and what was the context?

One of the downsides to this is feelings of insecurities rise, and can be easily dwelt on. This assignment this week was to address what identity gap is present in my life, and to replace that lie with a truth about my identity in Christ. I am a people pleaser. I have a hard time feeling worthy. I feel the need to bend over backwards to make sure those around me are happy. For a long time, I was willing to change things about myself in order to impress or to meet the expectations others have of me. I have come a long way since I was there, but learning how to know if helping those around me is out of love and desire to serve, or out of feeling like I need to impress and find my worth in what I'm doing. The get extremely hard on myself if I feel I have let someone down, even on such a little thing. That is my identity gap.

This is the verse that always lifts my spirits when I hear it:

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

What I've processed a lot this week is gonna seem a little off compared to what my "identity gap" is. But for me, it was a really good thing to process.

I drove to Minnesota with one of my best friends this past weekend. Along the way, I had a lot of time to think about the assignment and my insecurities. Along the way, I saw a large range of beautiful landscapes. Mountains, tree's changing colors, dry flat lands, and a great view at the stars. I found myself saying multiple times how I just died and went to heaven.

While I was driving, I was thinking about how perfect everything seemed in this creation I was in. If God created the world perfect in the beginning, and then sin entered because of human error. So how much of what we see, and the life we live is how God originally intended it to be? We already know we are sinners. So what am I dwelling on? My sin? My mistakes? When I dwell on this, an emotion that arise can be chaotic. I'll start to dwell on the chaos rather than the real emotion that I needs to be addressed and move on from.

 If I'm living with the mindset that parts of heaven is already here on earth, then I want to bask in the glory of God as much as I can. I want to live as the heir to the throne that I know I am, rather than in chaos and confusion.

"I am a citizen of heaven, seated in heaven Right now." Phil. 3:20; Eph. 2:6

In the last 10 months, I've processed a lot about my emotions. I am thankful for the ways I have grown in the way God created me as a feeler. I want to commit my weaknesses and insecurities to God, rather than dwell in the chaos. 

This week with a cross

Last week in my Theology 2 class, we took the time to each build our own cedar wood cross. It was a lot of fun, and I hear my father's carpenter voice in my head through out the whole building process. (I only nailed the board to the table twice, Dad...I'm making progress!)

Anyways, the point of the assignment was to take Matt. 24:16 literally and see what comes from it. Would people be so turned away? Would they ask questions? Would God use this as a time to do miracles and start a movement within Salem, drawing people to Him? Or would I forget it in my car or on the kitchen table 50% of the week?

The week went well and refreshed my thoughts on why I believe what I believe, and what a Christ follower looks like. Here's a few of the encounters that took place this week:

1. Friends laughed at me. Especially when I told them how the process of making it went, and that it broke multiple times from me nailing it to the table.

2. I got strange looks while in the long line at Costco for a polish dog. As well, as while walking through the store. My thoughts after my time in Costco went back to the symbol of the cross, and how people must have interpreted my actions of taking this around with me. I think the cross is a symbol that people associate with the Catholic or Christian religion. If they are not believers themselves, they can be turned off by this symbol. I think the cross can speak to some people as-"here, I am a christian, so I wear this around my neck, or carry a 2 foot piece of wood around with me, but my actions don't reflect this at all. Add me to your list of hypocrites that wants to save you." Thats a more critical, bitter perspective, but the symbol can often be looked at this way.

This got me thinking about my life, and others around me. What if the passage in Matthew really was literal and we all carried a plank around? It would just be one more thing to add to the list of rules. I really want my life to reflect Christ by the way I love, accept and serve those around me. I want to be set apart by those things, rather than by a symbol I carry around.

3. I took the cross to work with me. The only time it was viewed was when I walked in, and when I walked out. It brought up a small comment the first day, and the second day a brief conversation took place as I tried to explain the assignment to my friend/coworker that asked. He told me he already knew all that he needed to know about God. He would listen to more of what other people might try to say to him, but he knew what he needed to know, and that was enough for him.

4. I intentionally did not take a cross with me into a bar while hanging out with a few co-workers. One of them is an Atheist, the other was the same guy that already knows what he needs to know. I thought about it here and there while I was with them and wondered if I should just go grab it. It was more guilt and obligation than Holy Spirit nudging me because He was going to use this symbol to draw people to him.

BUT WAIT! A guy came and sat down with us that I had maybe met briefly once before. I told him what I was going to school for (because he asked), and instantly he would NOT stop talking to me about religion, his perspective, his mormon family, and his ministry on cross dressing in the church in order to bring awareness to their legalistic ways. The whole time the conversation was happening, I wanted to talk. I wanted to defend myself where I felt like his perspective on the Church may have been good, but about me and my walk with Christ he was wrong. I wanted to speak truth and love to him. I wanted to give an insight that would make him walk away thinking differently...SO MANY THINGS I WANTED TO SAY. But I remembered my time of wrestling over the summer, and how no matter what anyone was going to say, I still needed to verbally process and come to a conclusion on my own. And what I concluded, was that in this relationship with Christ I can't abolish one way of doing things to just create a new one that works better for me. Life in the spirit is how I know how to live, and how HE will then be reflected through me. So I asked God for some insight because I wanted to preach at this guy (out of love, and truth, and the desire for him to know God, of course. Not because I'm prideful, always want to be right, and can't shut up). But that's what I heard. "Be quiet. Whatever you say is not going to be heard by this guy. He is hurting, he needs you to listen."

So that's what I did. I don't know what the others with me thought about the conversation we had. I didn't have my cross in there with me to initiate a conversation. I was simply myself. And asked the Holy Spirit for direction, and to be at work.

5. Another conversation came after my workout at the Courthouse. I am training to instruct a class, and I took it in the gym with me. My instructor who is helping me learn the material is a Christian and attends Salem Alliance. She asked me at the end of the training about the cross, and we ended up talking for 45min about her husband, family and the things I've been learning about rules, and relationship with Jesus. It brought us closer, and left me with a desire to pray for her more often. I told her about my encounter last night with the guy at the bar. When the Holy Spirit wants to move, He will move.

I didn't like taking the cross around with me. I forgot it most of the time. But I did like this assignment because of the things I thought about. I hope people will continue to ask me about what God's been teaching me through this term at school. And I hope that I will be able to listen and then communicate well what the Holy Spirit is prompting.